wow, has it ever been a long time since i have wrote in here. over a year. alot has changed in this year. I chose to make that desicion and move away. leave my past, my life behind. It was the best decision i have ever made in my life.

Although i moved away i couldnt find the courage to leave behind the biggest mistake of my life. i was a sucker. believeing that my messed up mind and self was ungrateful of anything good ever happening to me.

at work i found a spot that was me. it overlooked the one thing that brings peace to my life. The lake. The beauty makes me feel at ease and its a place i can go to think. There i found everything i needed. It was right in front of me the whole time and i was so blind to it. I sat there ..... the day before i was leaving to get on a plane and end my life. not literally but live and be with someone that doesent deserve anything from me. there i sat. my things already shipped to my new place i would call home. and i felt alone. i felt like nobody understood me. and then it was said to me. "why are you leaving" and i thought about this for a really long time. why was i leaving? was that what i really wanted? did it make me happy? and the answer was no i was running again back to something that was so familiar.

I would not make the mistake. I stayed. The best decision i have ever made.

The point of the story is alot has changed. I fell in love. As much as it scares me to death. I did.

Every time i hear words or things that are remotely close to that pain i clam up and run as far away as i can. i dont know what else to do. it literally scares the shit outta me.
He made me feel un worthy, un loved he hurt me. and its a never ending wirlwind taking over my life. still after so long.

"lost and insecure, you found me lying on the floor"

I look at you. You bring peace and comfort to me. But i still hurt. I still wakeup every day terrified of "love"
I hope that one day . It will bring comfort ... I am working on it love.