Tell me something........

I thought I taught myself not to feel......

It came so suddenly, My world was safe and secure. I walked up the stairs and i found my sunshine...
The wilting flower became whole agian... craving that sunshine. Every part of it was new and terrifying.
Why did I fool myself to believe that Sunshine would be all i needed to forget, to grow. Something has damaged me and the truth is, I block my own sunshine.
Feeling makes you know that your alive, but why does it have such negativity attached to it. Its better just to be numb, that way you are guarded and protected.
Whats my reasoning behind my madness.. feeling.
I crave that sunshine. Being so dependant on something is a downfall. All you have is yourself in the end and lately being myself requires that sunshine. I have grown so dependant on it. I remembered what it was like to laugh to love to feel for the first time in many years. being a zombie in a life that takes over your soul, living just for the sake of living... loving to to feel loved. beaten and bruised to the point where there just arnt any more things to cry about. I escaped that and found my protection. But why is it that i feel more alone then i ever have before? dependancy.....

You think this is just another one of my panic attacks...... i have thought long and hard about this. Its better for the flower and the sunshine. Sunshine has taught the flower to live to love and to feel. The flower has taught the sunshine how scared somone can be... and how much it can destroy everypart of you.

I lied when i said that i would not hate everytime it rains. because when it rains... the diamonds pour down and i see that night on the pourch. The one feeling i will not be able to block and destroy.... its imprinted on my mind. forever. no matter how hard i try to get rit of it. it will be with me until the end.

Dont think that love had nothing to do with it. it had everything to do with it.
The flower does not deserve its sunlight. One day...... the flower will begin to understand that hearts are better left alone. You can warn them but they both get suckered in. feeling what had never been experienced.

I will put your things away. I will not look at them. I will run.... I will not laugh at the childlike sunshine that i once adored. You were my everything.
You may not understand now... but i did you a favour. One day you will be in the same spot as the flower. you will look up and you will see your sunshine. Everything you have ever wanted wrapped up in one smile.

everytime you see a sunrise, do yourself a favour... dont sit down.

When you recieve a surprise that someone is staying.... walk away.

When someone tells you that they love you..... run as far as you can.

when someone kisses your neck........ dont let them no.

When someone looks at you the way i looked at you..... make sure their not flowers..

and most of all when someone tries to steal a hot dog...... dont pay......


Its my time to go..... nothing will ever change what the sunlight has shown me and made me experience... that wont be toped.

" I will think about you all the time..... but I dont need the same"


I love you... always......

what am i scared of?

Is it love itself or loosing love?
If only i learn to talk before things explode into something terrible.
I am so tired but i cannot sleep.
sometimes its like my words go right threw you. You hear me but you dont listen.
I try to read you and the pages are all blank. My heart hurts.
It hurts me as much as it hurts you.

Death..... It comes at you so quick. So unexpected.
What if there was more that you needed to tell somebody. And you never got the chance to do so. What would you tell somebody if you knew that was the last words you were ever going to speak again? That question runs through my mind......

What more could i of done. How do you recover from seeing a human suffer and its out of your control. If i had been more awake.. would that of changed what happend? I looked him dead in the face as he died. I held him and watched as the life was sucked out of him. The screaming the tears. I am so sorry.

Its all in the job. .thats what i signed up for. I signed up to be a hero. Instead life slipped away from me. Eventually i hope i become numb. its to much to feel .

I am so sorry....

M&M i love you and i miss you. best of luck tonight. it was great talking to you. i really miss that

wow, has it ever been a long time since i have wrote in here. over a year. alot has changed in this year. I chose to make that desicion and move away. leave my past, my life behind. It was the best decision i have ever made in my life.

Although i moved away i couldnt find the courage to leave behind the biggest mistake of my life. i was a sucker. believeing that my messed up mind and self was ungrateful of anything good ever happening to me.

at work i found a spot that was me. it overlooked the one thing that brings peace to my life. The lake. The beauty makes me feel at ease and its a place i can go to think. There i found everything i needed. It was right in front of me the whole time and i was so blind to it. I sat there ..... the day before i was leaving to get on a plane and end my life. not literally but live and be with someone that doesent deserve anything from me. there i sat. my things already shipped to my new place i would call home. and i felt alone. i felt like nobody understood me. and then it was said to me. "why are you leaving" and i thought about this for a really long time. why was i leaving? was that what i really wanted? did it make me happy? and the answer was no i was running again back to something that was so familiar.

I would not make the mistake. I stayed. The best decision i have ever made.

The point of the story is alot has changed. I fell in love. As much as it scares me to death. I did.

Every time i hear words or things that are remotely close to that pain i clam up and run as far away as i can. i dont know what else to do. it literally scares the shit outta me.
He made me feel un worthy, un loved he hurt me. and its a never ending wirlwind taking over my life. still after so long.

"lost and insecure, you found me lying on the floor"

I look at you. You bring peace and comfort to me. But i still hurt. I still wakeup every day terrified of "love"
I hope that one day . It will bring comfort ... I am working on it love.